Control
Hello Control Freaks,
There are many things that people can't control. Like the weather, economy, or the future. But no matter what, people have control of their mind. Now imagine losing that control. You feel helpless and completely lost. You feel like a freak because you just can't fit in. This is me everyday.
My mind is not completely like others. I do so many things that are unhealthy. One that I am really struggling with right now is distortion. I am incapable of seeing the positive things. No matter how hard I try. I can tell that I'm distorting and that I'm only seeing the negative when there is positive things going on, but I just can't get myself to believe it.
I had a really hard night recently. As I've talked about before, I'm really stressed about college and my dream is to be a writer. I have been talking to my family about how I want to go to UCLA and get an internship at BuzzFeed. My mom and I were having a conversation about it over text and I interpreted it as her not supporting me. I saw it as her not believing in me when really she was just trying to make sure I was keeping an open mind. Looking back on the conversation now, I can see that she was not being negative, but I can't believe it. It's like I have somehow convinced myself that nobody is here for me.
The same night I was on the phone with my sister talking about the whole situation with my mom and she was trying to tell me that my mom wasn't being mean. She reminded me about my distorting and how I am only seeing the negative. To anyone else listening to us they would think she was being very caring and helpful, but to me she was just dragging me deeper into my depression. When she was trying to remind me of my distortion all I was hearing was that I'm a freak and I will never be normal if I can't even think like regular people.
At this point in the night I had already lost all control of myself. It was like I had left my body and a depression demon was possessing me. It's a terrifying moment when you are so far gone that you can't get yourself out, even if you try.
~Skylar
There are many things that people can't control. Like the weather, economy, or the future. But no matter what, people have control of their mind. Now imagine losing that control. You feel helpless and completely lost. You feel like a freak because you just can't fit in. This is me everyday.
My mind is not completely like others. I do so many things that are unhealthy. One that I am really struggling with right now is distortion. I am incapable of seeing the positive things. No matter how hard I try. I can tell that I'm distorting and that I'm only seeing the negative when there is positive things going on, but I just can't get myself to believe it.
I had a really hard night recently. As I've talked about before, I'm really stressed about college and my dream is to be a writer. I have been talking to my family about how I want to go to UCLA and get an internship at BuzzFeed. My mom and I were having a conversation about it over text and I interpreted it as her not supporting me. I saw it as her not believing in me when really she was just trying to make sure I was keeping an open mind. Looking back on the conversation now, I can see that she was not being negative, but I can't believe it. It's like I have somehow convinced myself that nobody is here for me.
The same night I was on the phone with my sister talking about the whole situation with my mom and she was trying to tell me that my mom wasn't being mean. She reminded me about my distorting and how I am only seeing the negative. To anyone else listening to us they would think she was being very caring and helpful, but to me she was just dragging me deeper into my depression. When she was trying to remind me of my distortion all I was hearing was that I'm a freak and I will never be normal if I can't even think like regular people.
At this point in the night I had already lost all control of myself. It was like I had left my body and a depression demon was possessing me. It's a terrifying moment when you are so far gone that you can't get yourself out, even if you try.
~Skylar
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