Learning to Love yourself

Hello anybody who is seeing this,

     I want to talk about self esteem. For almost my entire life I have struggled with my self esteem. Ever since seventh grade I have been bullied about how I look. People would call me fat, weird, ugly. People would make bets and play games with me. Like, somebody would tell me they have a crush on me and start flirting with me to see how long I would fall for it. I was a joke to them. Maybe in seventh grade they didn't know what consequences their actions can have, but by high school you would think they would have learned. Nope. It was still happening in high school. It was actually worse, because now we have the wonderful thing called social media.
     The consequence of those kids actions was my happiness, mental health, confidence, and so much more. I HATED myself. I envied every single person I saw. I just wanted to be skinnier. I wanted to be pretty like the other girls. I wanted to fit in, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't. The things people said and did to me sent me down a long road of struggles and pain, but I made it out. It took some time, but I survived.
     The way I felt was like I was lost in the woods. It's terrifyingly dark. I have no idea where I am or where I am going. All I can hear is every bad thing somebody has ever said to me. "You're ugly. Why are you so fat. Freak. Weirdo. Waste of space." I would try to get out, but the more I try the darker it gets. Most days I end up rolling in a ball and crying on the forest floor. Everyday things like being shot, or having rocks thrown at me, or falling into the abyss would happen to me. The longer I was in the woods, the more pain I would have to endure and the scarier it got. But, one day I saw a light. That light continues to grow everyday. The healthier I get, the brighter the light gets. I may be in the light, but I will always have that darkness behind me.
     People ask me how I did it. How did I find the light? How do I feel better? The answer isn't a simple one. It is different for everyone. It took me a long time to get to where I am now. I went through months of hospitalization and I am still seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. Everyday I am fighting for my life. The main things that helped me? Friends and family who support me and understand me. Netflix and books. I will immerse myself into a story. I use it as a way of escaping, but I have to come back to my life eventually. Escaping helps mostly for me to calm down and come back to my issue later and deal with it. Writing helps me a lot. Writing has this magical way of lifting the weight off my chest. It's like I have all these thoughts and emotions inside my head and putting them on paper or on a document helps clear up all the jumble in my head. These things help me mostly with my depression, but my self esteem?
      Im not quite sure how to explain it. Well, first of all, I started to eat healthier. I cut pop out of my diet which has actually helped so much. I am always looking for sports to try so I can get exersize. I took myself out of that horrible environment and switched schools. The school I am at now is so much more supportive. I haven't gotten a single bad comment about the way I look. My new school makes me feel normal and welcomed. I do things that I love. Things like; singing, acting, drawing, writing, swimming, makeup, shopping. All of these things make me happy and when you put them together it just makes me more confident and comfortable with myself. I also have an amazing boyfriend who makes me feel like the most beautiful person. He never goes a day without reminding me how pretty and amazing I am. Now, I'm one of the lucky ones who has a significant other like this.  I don't rely on him to make me feel special and good about myself. It's nice to have him there and know that someone thinks I'm pretty, but I rely on myself. I make myself feel special and gorgeous.
     It's not easy. Trust me. But, you can do it. I never thought I would make it to the age of 16. I thought I could NEVER love myself and be comfortable showing off my legs or part of my stomach, but I do. This is a war that I will always have to fight, but I will never give up. I have learned to love myself and thats a lesson I never want to forget.

                                                    ~ Skylar


Popular Posts